Sunday, January 23, 2011

Amanda Lin Carlson inc. Review Letter 2011

Dearest Brain,

It has come to my attention that you have been on overdrive as of late. Thank you for working so diligently to expand your horizons.

Thank you for functioning the way you do. The fact you are able to decipher all of the weird things about life and not jump ship is a testament to your unquenchable thirst for knowledge. It is no matter that half the words in this paragraph are red you are a smart brain which dares to explore the vast reaches of psychological meanderings and the realistic oddities of reality. Thank you for making a conscious effort to work with my soul. I know that that isn't always an easy task but at least both of you recognize that you're on the same team.

We here at Amanda Lin Carlson Inc. Appreciate your willingness to step out of your comfort zone. We like how you take initiative and step up to the plate in regards to understanding new ways of thinking and understanding. You area a credit to this fine institution, and by fine I do mean fine!

Please except this letter of review on be half of Me Myself and I and Keep up the Good Work!


Amanda Lin Carlson

Stephanie Lee
CSM (Chief Sugar Mama)
Resident Psychologist

Spell Check

Monday, December 27, 2010

Grown-Up-Goo and The Christmas Miracle!

So My plan is to write something everyday or at least write when the writens good.

So Manda,

  • Write every day...
  • Start making patterns for Anais' Coat
  • Take a walk
  • Look at something beautiful (upon my brothers request a few days ago)
  • Meditate or Yoga or both
  • Sleep in while I can
  • Make at least two things for etsy and see how that goes :)
  • fold my cloths
  • Go to D land with bff!
Oh I must share my Christmas Miracle...
which I must say was totally because I wrote this killer essay about No Exit by Sartre.

I was struggling this entire semester ... in fact this semester was overwhelmingly challenging!
I started off the school year totally exhausted and ready for a break and felt burnt out half way through the semester. Fortunately I have a good academic adviser who convinced me to stick with my Art and Ideology Class (I called her every week for three weeks telling her I wanted to drop that class - She Will be getting Flowers) and patient professors!

Sooo back to my Christmas Miracle ... I decided to take Art and ideology this year. It was a fascinating class and the history of art portion of the class was easy. The philosophy half was what got me! Needless to say I struggled with that portion of the class - trying to get through the reading and then writing about it. I wish that that portion of the class was way longer just so I could understand it better. I disliked the reading in such a short period of time but loved listening to the prof. in class. I do have this desire to read more of Nietzsche, Marx, Heidegger, Sarte and so on. At some point. If nothing else but to have a better grasp on their philosophies. Any ways... I really was not the best student in this class - I failed half of my mid term and missed one of the papers - but luckily I shaped up my act and always participated in class and studied enough for the final - Babies I got a B in this class - and that my friends that is a Christmas Miracle!

The toughness of this semester was quite trans-formative! I feel that grownup hood is no longer just around the corner ... it is as if I dove into a vat of it and have decided to take up a permanent residence in that adult goo! Of course being me - I fight like hell and make a big mess - mostly of my psyche and my house and my car! Ok it just a big freeken mess! but I did give myself the gift of a clean house for Christmas and Pink hair. So all is well in the house of Me. I was chatting with my brother today - I answered the phone particularly grumpy and as par usual chatting with him was uplifting - I read him my paper, my poem, and my blog. He is a great critic and supporter and talking with him is always worth while. I am thankful!

Oh Grown-up-Goo! if only I could create a Goo-begone - but that wouldn't do! :) truth be told I like the adventure of discovery much to much to get rid of the Goo all together. So here I am sitting in the middle of my vat of Grown-Up-Goo and I am content with the fact that although there are times that the Goo smells of dark putrid green sauce it also can be a bed of marshmallows and fudge covered oreos!

I wrote a lot today... will it count for a few days!! we shall see what my brain does tomorrow :)


Sunday, December 26, 2010

The Tsunami and My Glass House

This is my subconscious brain... So I had this dream a while back that I would like to jot down - so here goes...

I stand in the middle of this room with glass walls overlooking the ocean, filled with random people - men, woman, children , all staring in the same direction - out the huge glass windows out into the ocean. there are three tall white tables sporadically placed throughout the room and one has torn paper with crayons on it.

When I look out the window I notice that a tsunami is coming- I know this tsunami is caused by some far off catastrophe and that I need to write my family a note because this tsunami is coming straight toward my glass house. some people just stare others are frantic - but the tsunami which is getting closer and closer is not the only danger in the room there is this dark grey thick smoke curling and seeping its way through the door way in the back.

The dark smoke is unstoppable and I am sure it is death. It has no form but it moves through all of the people with determination and direction ... right toward me. I am afraid and I am sure I am going to die as the smoke enters my body. But I didn't die instead I turned around and breathed in on an unsuspecting young girl which looked a lot like me. She too was afraid and my breath froze her.

I was very scared at this point and the tsunami wave was now a bazillion feet tall and really close. So I decided to run through the house to look for a way out. I entered a room that had a window, and what I noticed was that this glass house of mine was lodged in a mountain of rock and that the water was rising outside of the window in the crevice of the house and rock. With every wave the water level got higher and higher.

So I ran down this hall way which slanted down and turned into an under ground pier of sorts where boats were tied and a red light was flashing slowly on and off. My Mom Nita sat on the pier and I told her that we needed to get out. And she sat there calmly and told me that there was no way out.

So that was my dream -My conscious brain processing this amazing dream. This is the poem that I wrote afterward.

September 16th, 2010 10:25 am

I confirm my own destiny.

TIDAL waves of emotion attempt
To break the walls of
glass house
And I watch
with other
moving in
pictures to loved ones.
But wait the waves
are NOT
the only fear.
Lurking in
Seeping through
Floating up
It's smokey paler
has no form
no way
to bottle that fear up.
He GETS you
and you have
whether you GET him.
I breathed it in
and survived -
but was
compelled to
Breath on a frightened
Short haired girl
auburn gold hair
eyes matching
I cannot escape the Shadow
or myself
The glass room
by water.
I can see the waves
getting taller
All I can do is
Run through rooms
Looking for a safe exit
to set everyone free.
All I see
is the water
outside the window.
We are in bedded in
and the water
pushes its way
and fills
the crevasses
between you
and me.
I am surprised that the
stays still unbroken
Some of me wishes the pressure
would end
the other half
houses a fearful curiosity
Both sides are
waiting for the
Tsunami Waves
and the constant
beating of the Ocean
to wash
away the walls
set us free.
To cleanse this prison
of self isolation
Let me Cry,
Let me Feel unabashed,
Let me Love.

I had a conversation with my brother about an hour ago, read him the poem and told him my dream - It was the first time that I realized that when I talked to my mom in the dream she was telling me that I could not run away. That I had to face it all no matter what. I am glad she was there and that I understand just that much more.

Thanks for reading,


Slow cooked Love!

This was a thought I had today while meandering through my thoughts.

I was thinking of Love and relationships as I am usually prone to do especially when I want to avoid doing anything else :)

you know what... I have had many boyfriends, a couple of loves, and I have some of the bestest greatest most talented friends, and a cooky ass family.

I think of all of this when I think of love. I think about Love a lot because it sometimes it the Big L feeling boggles my brain.

I have to say all of this was way more eloquent in my head... but I persist.

These are my thoughts...

I loved Stephanie the first time I saw her. I wanted her to be my friend so badly and thought she was the neetest person. The first time I saw Mitch I thought he was a fox and seriously interesting especially by the way he returned my gaze and silly smile and wore patten leather combat boots. The first time I saw/ met Kinan he took my breath away and at a moment I thought my heart would close forever he put his foot in the door. Then I became his stalker the end. I loved my Mom right away probably before I was born and I love my children those who are just eggs in my ovaries or yet to be born in some far off country - I love them without even seeing them. My sister - I love her eternally and am bonded to her through thick and thin ... same as my brother although a little different it is the same.

why do I go on about this love? what is the point you ask about all of those sentences? Well I will tell you, that it has to do with Slow cooked Love. yes that's right Love at first sight - You my friend can suck it!

Love is slowly cooked and oven roasted to perfection over 25 years of creative imagination, 8 years of sporadic and sweet opportunities to hang out and an eternity of sisterhood. Love is a rotisserie, getting crunchier with every turn, tastier with ever brush of the savory sauce of life, and served continually through glances, laughs, tears and wonderment.

I like my love slow roasted to perfection with a side of friendship fries and ice cold glass of shut the hell up brain no need to ponder on this one. I could have said an Ice cold glass of ... Nah what I said earlier tops the cake :)

Love is not something to be afraid of. It does not need to be said out loud for it exists in the pools of your eyes, the warmth of your hands and potentially the palm of your lips. Love is appreciation.

Be warned however, Love can exist in your imagination alone. Yes that's right you can make it up and push yourself to believe that you love or are in love purely because you desire to be that way... or because you really want some kind of end product of life. It's silly but true - trust me I know from experience. Fortunately I found out what I was doing, and it wasn't that I didn't love the person ... but the kind of love that was needed wasn't the type that I could will into existence for the other being - fortunately for the both of us I realized that.

What I'm saying people is let your love be what it is.

I'm finding that for me that love that is slowly cooked over years of one odd experience after another (I should just call it life) is the one I can relate to the most. I always wanted to be the love at first sight girl - always trying to will that at into existence - but I can say that Like and wonder at first sight leads in the direction of Love. That feeling and action which tingles your toes, screws with the chemistry in your brain (making you say and do things that make no sense at all), and could easily take your breath away is there always... waiting/ simmering in the boiling pot of your life, slowly cooking to perfection.

You know when I cook I always make bigger portions than I can eat. I think that is the same with the love and affection I have around me. So let us slow cook our good lovin ways and eat some fried chicken friends!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

#1 of hopefully many!

I am beginning to see the finer points of my idiosyncrasy's especially when it involves emotional attachment and the lack there of. I have this desire to be cared for but I don't want the emotional responsibility of having to always reciprocate. I know I would feel bad when I couldn't give someone the attention they either wanted or I thought they deserved or I want to give them. Which puts me in this state of mental anguish and frustration. I also know I want what I want. Meaning I know that I want to cuddle right now. **** addition added at bottom***

I know a person who is a super fantastic cuddler. However if I were to cuddle with this person - regardless if I laid down the boundaries of "this is not going anywhere- I just really want to cuddle that is it - nothing more" - I would know that just by asking him would lead him on and give him hope and screw with his emotions. I don't want to be a jerk - But the pull is strong! So I write instead - why on gods green earth would I screw with someone else or my own brain in order to pacify some lonely desire. IS that really how I want to go about my life - pacifying the loneliness - making up stories and listening to that instant moment of desire rather than thinking it out. I can almost hear my brain trying to convince itself (right now ) that it would be ok.

Here is the conversation: (lets just put it right there out in the open)
"I could call him and tell him that we should go get a donut right now and I know we would end up chatting for a while - because we could and it would get late and then we would fall asleep" === but then my logical and nice brain kicked in at the very end of that thought "That would be mean period! you know he likes you and even though you would be honest from the get go - your intentions are not pure and you would be using him to suit your means and that is not who you are PERIOD!"

Grow up manda! Be the person you want to be. You know what you want - you know what you're doing. No distractions

A conversation with my BFF:

(11:41:01 PM): it would be nice to date someone who i was totally infatuated/ inspired by who had their own thing they were totally in to
(11:41:40 PM): and in that way i wouldn't hate their face all the time and they wouldn't bother me when i needed to get shit done

11:42 pm

(11:41:59 PM): yes, you need someone who has like a dayjob and is also a painter or some shit. so: job, and also creative/hobby

I digress... I have made my point for now. nuff said!

*** I know that I want someone - who I could smash my face into their chest while ranting about my crazy madness - and know that even though he may not understand fully that they did not judge or try to fix my madness - instead he knew that thats all i needed to do! oh yah and when i looked at him - i thought he was a tooootall stone fox! that's not to much to ask is it!****** YAH!