Wednesday, January 20, 2010

#1 of hopefully many!

I am beginning to see the finer points of my idiosyncrasy's especially when it involves emotional attachment and the lack there of. I have this desire to be cared for but I don't want the emotional responsibility of having to always reciprocate. I know I would feel bad when I couldn't give someone the attention they either wanted or I thought they deserved or I want to give them. Which puts me in this state of mental anguish and frustration. I also know I want what I want. Meaning I know that I want to cuddle right now. **** addition added at bottom***

I know a person who is a super fantastic cuddler. However if I were to cuddle with this person - regardless if I laid down the boundaries of "this is not going anywhere- I just really want to cuddle that is it - nothing more" - I would know that just by asking him would lead him on and give him hope and screw with his emotions. I don't want to be a jerk - But the pull is strong! So I write instead - why on gods green earth would I screw with someone else or my own brain in order to pacify some lonely desire. IS that really how I want to go about my life - pacifying the loneliness - making up stories and listening to that instant moment of desire rather than thinking it out. I can almost hear my brain trying to convince itself (right now ) that it would be ok.

Here is the conversation: (lets just put it right there out in the open)
"I could call him and tell him that we should go get a donut right now and I know we would end up chatting for a while - because we could and it would get late and then we would fall asleep" === but then my logical and nice brain kicked in at the very end of that thought "That would be mean period! you know he likes you and even though you would be honest from the get go - your intentions are not pure and you would be using him to suit your means and that is not who you are PERIOD!"

Grow up manda! Be the person you want to be. You know what you want - you know what you're doing. No distractions

A conversation with my BFF:

(11:41:01 PM): it would be nice to date someone who i was totally infatuated/ inspired by who had their own thing they were totally in to
(11:41:40 PM): and in that way i wouldn't hate their face all the time and they wouldn't bother me when i needed to get shit done

11:42 pm

(11:41:59 PM): yes, you need someone who has like a dayjob and is also a painter or some shit. so: job, and also creative/hobby

I digress... I have made my point for now. nuff said!

*** I know that I want someone - who I could smash my face into their chest while ranting about my crazy madness - and know that even though he may not understand fully that they did not judge or try to fix my madness - instead he knew that thats all i needed to do! oh yah and when i looked at him - i thought he was a tooootall stone fox! that's not to much to ask is it!****** YAH!

1 comment:

  1. I wish we could help you a bit to not obsess about the past so much that it destroys your brains and keeps you from moving forward....! But I know that you like to work everything through so I dunno!